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Friends Of Infertility

To find someone who shares my same struggle is truly a blessing. To speak the same language they already understand. To know exactly what the procedures they already endured felt like is a support that is unimaginable. To find this connection through one hardship in life creates a deep long lasting friendship from the moment you meet. I found this person. I found that someone who struggles like me. Who carries around hope in a hardship. Who sees the lighter things in life. Someone who appreciates the journey and knows we were selected to show the mountain can be moved. Though our ages are different and how we got here is not the same, we have the ability to understand each other like nobody else can.  We are able to be real with each other. To know what's on the other end of getting our hopes up. We know what it's like to feel like we are moving forward only to get set back time and time again. We can say everything by just saying nothing. We can cheer each other on even when ...
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Sharing The Journey

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When we first started out this journey, I felt the need to share our whole story with all my friends and family. I wanted to share for support. I wasn't looking for approval, I just wanted to know that if I fell from failure, someone was there to catch me. I wanted to share to other infertiles so they know they aren't alone; we aren't alone. When you struggle with infertility, you think it affects just that, your fertility. But the reality is, it affects so much more. Infertility takes a toll on your friendships, relationships, marriage, finances, sleep and really the ins and outs of your daily life. It dictates your schedule and your sex life. It consumes your every word, thought and your whole being. Infertility takes from you living your best life, while you try to create life. Everything requires timing and plans. A six to eight week plan of life to be available at the drop of a dime to just have a chance at creating a new life. Just a chance. I personally would have ...
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What Dreams Are Made Of

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Some days I wish I could go back to when my dreams came true from wishing on the stars. Back to the time where seemingly anything I dreamed of could be granted by blowing out some candles, which sometimes with those trick candles was quite the task. Recently life has made it clear not all dreams are granted so easily. I unfortunately cannot just ask Santa Clause to grant my biggest wish of all, to become a mother. Unlike that wonderful Fleet Farm catalog (that was actually Santa's workshop) they don't send out build your own family deals in a catalog. I have yet to met a genie in a bottle who will pop out and grant me three wishes, if you ever do see one, please let me know!  Okay, for real though, what would life be like if we could all just wish on stars for anything we wanted? Make a wish, go to bed and in the morning it would come true...? Would it mean that each year you would earn one extra candle wish on your birthday? One extra potential dream come true? Whi...
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Beautifully Broken

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I will never forget the day we were told that we were going to need more help creating a family. The day they gave me a physical list of things that were wrong with me, along with a list of treatments that possibly, maybe, might temporarily fix me. That day, the day I was told that my body wasn't in working order, it was hard to not feel broken. Broken as a person, as a woman. Plainly put to have everything theoretically needed to create life, but it is all failing to work properly. I am a woman but unable to do what women are made to do. It's hard to not wake up every day and look at myself in the mirror with disgust. Disgust at how my body betrayed me. But maybe being broken wasn't just a bad thing. Maybe I needed to look at the word broken from a new perspective. The lens of what happens after things are broke. Pieces that were once one thing, have fallen apart and now have the potential to become something new. Maybe I wasn't quite assembled correctly yet. Maybe I...
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Two Week Wait

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My hands tremble And my heart races, I just finished peeing on Sticks with smiley faces Pregnant until proven otherwise No ibuprofen or drinking, Spend the next few days Symptom spotting and over thinking Waiting turns from days To hours and minutes, I have this lovely womb Now it is time to see if you are in it Dreaming of the day To hear your heart beat, And see two little hands With two little feet Lost and uncertain With what will happen next, Will I have to start all over Or soon be holding you abreast In the end, we all know Exactly how the two week wait goes, You get a positive test or The red river flows
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Artificial Insemination

Sometimes people like to use the term artificial insemination interchangeably with intrauterine insemination. I find this term to be completely insensitive. The word artificial literally translates to fake or not real. I am sorry, but the insemination process is real. It's done by a real person, received by a real person, in real time, by real sperm. NOTHING about it is fake. If it wants to allude to the idea that the process by which the insemination happens is not real, then they should really rename it artificial intercourse. That translated would make more sense because I am not having sex, or reaping the benefits that sex gives, I am merely receiving sperm via a catheter. The insemination is real, not artificial. The makings behind this method versus sex is an artificial or alternate version, guy masturbates, sperm is collected, sperm is then inserted. I would love to reinvent the word to make the letter "A" stand for "assistive" insemination. Now that I c...
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Cycle Day One

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Mother nature says hi As father time ticks on by The glimmer in my eyes slowly fade While the hope from my heart continues to drain I have lost this battle, but yet not the war For maybe this month I can even the score With two lines to confirm, a baby I seek Who knew creating new life would be such a feat Adding mom and dad to husband and wife Would bring so much meaning into our life My words attempt optimism, my face shows pain Who knows what is next in this infertility game Meanwhile, tragedy and defeat become The only things I feel on cycle day one
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