The Struggle Is Part Of The Story

People who have not experienced infertility treatment may think it is so nice to have a planned pregnancy on a schedule. I have heard comments like Wow, how convenient is it that you don't have to do the work of sex and you can actually schedule the day of conception. From the outside looking in, I can see how it might present that way. The idea that its a controlled process, on a specific date with extra help from medical professionals, but convenience and schedules are the last words I would use to describe my infertility treatment. Setting aside the cost of infertility treatment, the treatment itself is, in my opinion, inconvenient. It is solely based on how much I want it so I make it work. I take medication that alters my body, my feelings, my emotions and my thinking. Though this medication lasts only one week, the effects for me are felt about 3 weeks. I follow that with days of tests until one day I get a smiley face and have the privilege of being inseminated the next day...

The past three years of infertility, I have longed for one thing.... getting pregnant. The closer to achieving pregnancy, the more fears I have about it. Not getting pregnant means I have never had a miscarriage. I have never experienced a still born. I haven't woke in the middle of the night to find my baby a victim of SIDS. After many late night thoughts, I have come to realize getting pregnant doesn't give me a baby.... it doesn't guarantee me the family I always wanted.... Being pregnant and actually having a baby are two separate things.... you can have a baby without being pregnant and be pregnant yet never have a child..... Infertility treatment is all about ways to achieve pregnancy. They can say my chance of achieving  pregnancy is X% but what is my chance of actually having that pregnancy turn into a baby? The chance of my pregnancy making a family?  Realizing that no matter how close I am to pregnancy.... pregnancy is only the next step in line to actually hav...

Some women who struggle have no answers to their infertility. On paper they look perfect. Perfect lab tests, numbers, and perfect anatomy. They live with no medical reason to why they cannot have a baby, yet they cannot conceive.  Other women have a whole list of imperfections. Cannot ovulate, blocked tubes, or an underlying medical condition. So which story am I you ask? What got me to where I am today? My story unknowingly started when I was 16 years old. Just a regular teenager, joining the dating life. I considered myself a smart dater. I would do double dates with friends before ever going on a date alone. I thought I always had my bases covered. I didn't lie to my mom about where I was going, and my friends knew to hear from me when I left. I quickly learned no matter how safe you are, or how much you try to protect yourself from the outside world; there are people out there who will do anything and pretend to be anyone just to hurt you.  It was just another movie...

Late nights are a dangerous time for me. I let my mind run wild analyzing my day, my life. I think, over think, rethink everything my life has become. I have given everything to my infertility battle. In the beginning I tried the little Pinterest hacks. Every day for three months I ate pineapple because I was told it would make my uterus look more appealing for the egg to implant. I did fertility yoga. I tried the fertility massage. I drank fertility smoothies. Fail. As time went on I thought I better look further into this baby making process. I bought medical devices proven to get other women pregnant. I had surgery. I tracked my temperature, my cycle, my mucous, and month after month failed each attempt. Becoming more discouraged with each failure I broke down. Days of crying turned into weeks. Months went by and I layed on wet pillows until I fell asleep. We sold our house because I couldn't continue to come home to empty rooms I cannot fill. I packed up the perfect nursery ...