The Struggle Is Part Of The Story

Some days I wish I could go back to when my dreams came true from wishing on the stars. Back to the time where seemingly anything I dreamed of could be granted by blowing out some candles, which sometimes with those trick candles was quite the task. Recently life has made it clear not all dreams are granted so easily. I unfortunately cannot just ask Santa Clause to grant my biggest wish of all, to become a mother. Unlike that wonderful Fleet Farm catalog (that was actually Santa's workshop) they don't send out build your own family deals in a catalog. I have yet to met a genie in a bottle who will pop out and grant me three wishes, if you ever do see one, please let me know!  Okay, for real though, what would life be like if we could all just wish on stars for anything we wanted? Make a wish, go to bed and in the morning it would come true...? Would it mean that each year you would earn one extra candle wish on your birthday? One extra potential dream come true? Whi...

I was reading an article the other day about a baby born after infertility needing it's own term. That a baby born after a miscarriage or infant loss is a rainbow baby and a baby born before a miscarriage is a sun baby. They also mention the term for babies born asleep, Angel babies. The article said that babies who are conceived after infertility don't have their own term and there needs to be one. So this got me thinking, I had always thought a baby born in the midst of infertility was a rainbow baby?  So I began to ponder, By definition a rainbow is the beauty after the storm. I read this and I thought my struggle is a storm.... It's scary, and dark. It leaves me feeling hopeless at times. My dreams get blown off in the wind. Why wouldn't my baby be a rainbow baby?  After awhile I realized, it doesn't matter what I label my baby. It can be a rainbow baby after my own storm. It can be my warrior baby after a fight I never gave up to be a mother. A little on...

My husband and I just started at a new fertility clinic. We are very excited to start at a clinic that has more options for us; however we remain hesitant to think they have a solution for us. We are already so far into our journey that to start over with handshakes and "how are you" seems like many steps backwards. At our first appointments we we're each given a  "welcome" folder. You know, kind of like when you start a new club and they show you all the fun stuff you are going to do for the year all stuffed into one glorious folder. Our folders, although empty now, will be filled with our own journey.  A whole folder telling our story. Our own procedures that we will undergo, and all of our own tests. After only one month our folders start to fill up. Sheets of test results. Sheets of medication. Sheets providing information of upcoming procedures. Sheets of past procedure results. Physically, the folder feels light, it seems to have a lot of space left in it...

The past three years of infertility, I have longed for one thing.... getting pregnant. The closer to achieving pregnancy, the more fears I have about it. Not getting pregnant means I have never had a miscarriage. I have never experienced a still born. I haven't woke in the middle of the night to find my baby a victim of SIDS. After many late night thoughts, I have come to realize getting pregnant doesn't give me a baby.... it doesn't guarantee me the family I always wanted.... Being pregnant and actually having a baby are two separate things.... you can have a baby without being pregnant and be pregnant yet never have a child..... Infertility treatment is all about ways to achieve pregnancy. They can say my chance of achieving  pregnancy is X% but what is my chance of actually having that pregnancy turn into a baby? The chance of my pregnancy making a family?  Realizing that no matter how close I am to pregnancy.... pregnancy is only the next step in line to actually hav...

Even though I have not experienced a failed pregnancy, does not mean I have not experienced loss. Infertility loss encompasses so much more than one thinks, or can ever imagine. Have you lost something or someone every month for a year? Twelve losses a year; yet still wake up each day, put on a smile for the world because that is what they expect. I have always dreamed of becoming a mother. I can imagine myself sitting in a rocking chair, holding my growing belly while my miracle flutters inside. I see myself staring around at the finished nursery set for my bundle of joy. I rock and enjoy the silence before my bundle arrives knowing life couldn't be more perfect; but each month that doesn't happen, I experience loss. The loss of the dream to become a mother. The loss of making my husband a father. As the months drag on and that very dream becomes further away, I experience loss. The loss of hope it can ever happen. The sparkle of hope that this dream could ever bec...