The Struggle Is Part Of The Story

I was reading an article the other day about a baby born after infertility needing it's own term. That a baby born after a miscarriage or infant loss is a rainbow baby and a baby born before a miscarriage is a sun baby. They also mention the term for babies born asleep, Angel babies. The article said that babies who are conceived after infertility don't have their own term and there needs to be one. So this got me thinking, I had always thought a baby born in the midst of infertility was a rainbow baby?  So I began to ponder, By definition a rainbow is the beauty after the storm. I read this and I thought my struggle is a storm.... It's scary, and dark. It leaves me feeling hopeless at times. My dreams get blown off in the wind. Why wouldn't my baby be a rainbow baby?  After awhile I realized, it doesn't matter what I label my baby. It can be a rainbow baby after my own storm. It can be my warrior baby after a fight I never gave up to be a mother. A little on...

My husband and I just started at a new fertility clinic. We are very excited to start at a clinic that has more options for us; however we remain hesitant to think they have a solution for us. We are already so far into our journey that to start over with handshakes and "how are you" seems like many steps backwards. At our first appointments we we're each given a  "welcome" folder. You know, kind of like when you start a new club and they show you all the fun stuff you are going to do for the year all stuffed into one glorious folder. Our folders, although empty now, will be filled with our own journey.  A whole folder telling our story. Our own procedures that we will undergo, and all of our own tests. After only one month our folders start to fill up. Sheets of test results. Sheets of medication. Sheets providing information of upcoming procedures. Sheets of past procedure results. Physically, the folder feels light, it seems to have a lot of space left in it...

Late nights are a dangerous time for me. I let my mind run wild analyzing my day, my life. I think, over think, rethink everything my life has become. I have given everything to my infertility battle. In the beginning I tried the little Pinterest hacks. Every day for three months I ate pineapple because I was told it would make my uterus look more appealing for the egg to implant. I did fertility yoga. I tried the fertility massage. I drank fertility smoothies. Fail. As time went on I thought I better look further into this baby making process. I bought medical devices proven to get other women pregnant. I had surgery. I tracked my temperature, my cycle, my mucous, and month after month failed each attempt. Becoming more discouraged with each failure I broke down. Days of crying turned into weeks. Months went by and I layed on wet pillows until I fell asleep. We sold our house because I couldn't continue to come home to empty rooms I cannot fill. I packed up the perfect nursery ...