The Struggle Is Part Of The Story

My husband and I just started at a new fertility clinic. We are very excited to start at a clinic that has more options for us; however we remain hesitant to think they have a solution for us. We are already so far into our journey that to start over with handshakes and "how are you" seems like many steps backwards. At our first appointments we we're each given a  "welcome" folder. You know, kind of like when you start a new club and they show you all the fun stuff you are going to do for the year all stuffed into one glorious folder. Our folders, although empty now, will be filled with our own journey.  A whole folder telling our story. Our own procedures that we will undergo, and all of our own tests. After only one month our folders start to fill up. Sheets of test results. Sheets of medication. Sheets providing information of upcoming procedures. Sheets of past procedure results. Physically, the folder feels light, it seems to have a lot of space left in it...

Having such a big support system is wonderful. They are my rock. The ones I lean on. The call at any time of the night or day to just listen to all my fears. They mean everything to me. However, some nights, I like to sit alone. To think alone. To process alone. To feel things I don't share with anyone. To think things that I keep to myself. With our journey getting more complicated, we are going through more testing. More tests everyone wants answers for that I don't have. Answers that I won't have. For reasons that I don't know. I can ask all the questions and still feel so confused. We keep getting failed tests with no plan on how to pass them. We sit in this gray area with no feeling of being any closer to having a baby. This gray area where we wonder what we can be doing differently to change these tests, but are being told there is nothing for us to do right now. We are failing, but we aren't failing enough for more help, for more direction and more plans. ...

Some women who struggle have no answers to their infertility. On paper they look perfect. Perfect lab tests, numbers, and perfect anatomy. They live with no medical reason to why they cannot have a baby, yet they cannot conceive.  Other women have a whole list of imperfections. Cannot ovulate, blocked tubes, or an underlying medical condition. So which story am I you ask? What got me to where I am today? My story unknowingly started when I was 16 years old. Just a regular teenager, joining the dating life. I considered myself a smart dater. I would do double dates with friends before ever going on a date alone. I thought I always had my bases covered. I didn't lie to my mom about where I was going, and my friends knew to hear from me when I left. I quickly learned no matter how safe you are, or how much you try to protect yourself from the outside world; there are people out there who will do anything and pretend to be anyone just to hurt you.  It was just another movie...