The Folder

My husband and I just started at a new fertility clinic. We are very excited to start at a clinic that has more options for us; however we remain hesitant to think they have a solution for us. We are already so far into our journey that to start over with handshakes and "how are you" seems like many steps backwards. At our first appointments we we're each given a  "welcome" folder. You know, kind of like when you start a new club and they show you all the fun stuff you are going to do for the year all stuffed into one glorious folder. Our folders, although empty now, will be filled with our own journey.  A whole folder telling our story. Our own procedures that we will undergo, and all of our own tests.
After only one month our folders start to fill up. Sheets of test results. Sheets of medication. Sheets providing information of upcoming procedures. Sheets of past procedure results. Physically, the folder feels light, it seems to have a lot of space left in it; but some things that fill that folder are left unseen. Like sheets of emotions. Sheets of fear. Sheets of struggle. Sheets of failure. Sheets of disappointment. It is paper light but when I carry it in and out, it weighs me down like a box of bricks.
My journey does not stay contained to this folder. I cannot just tuck away my feelings, close it and set it on a bookshelf until next time. My story stays with me every day. In my head and in my heart. You cannot compartmentalize infertility. Don't feel like you need to package up your feelings until next time. Share them with those you are close to, can trust and love. They want to be there, they want to help, they don't want you to shove your folder so full it doesn't fit in your bag anymore. Let others help you carry the load. Keep on fighting. #infertilitywarrior