Trying for Life

The dreaded "are you trying" question. Everyone asks it. Everyone wonders. Do they honestly know the baggage that comes with that question? If they did, I am sure they would never ask. Do they want to know how many days a month you test ovulation and how they all come back negative? Do they want to see your temperature charts for the past six months that have no clear rise or drop in them? Do they just want a simple "yes, we are" while your crumble inside knowing you have tried everything you have ever read and still fail. Maybe you say no, because you are so far into trying you have hit the end and want to give it all up.
I know I have been there. I have hit that point. The point that you stop all ovulation tests, you stop taking your temperature every morning, you try to stop seeing the dates on the calendar. You say you aren't trying anymore. You say you'll just wait and see if it'll happen because well now you are relaxed and you aren't "trying".
On the surface sure you aren't trying, but deep down it has become your whole life. You try to suppress it, but your infertility has taken over your thoughts. You are so far in, there is no letting go. You know it isn't the stress, you know it isn't timing, you know there is something more wrong. You stop trying because you know if you keep tracking, it will confirm your suspicions. You think you want answers, if it brings you a baby, but can't help to fear your answers will only bring you more problems.
Infertility is the only world we live in where answers aren't solutions to problems, they are the problem.