Pregnant or Having a Baby?
The past three years of infertility, I have longed for one thing.... getting pregnant. The closer to achieving pregnancy, the more fears I have about it. Not getting pregnant means I have never had a miscarriage. I have never experienced a still born. I haven't woke in the middle of the night to find my baby a victim of SIDS. After many late night thoughts, I have come to realize getting pregnant doesn't give me a baby.... it doesn't guarantee me the family I always wanted....
Being pregnant and actually having a baby are two separate things.... you can have a baby without being pregnant and be pregnant yet never have a child.....
Infertility treatment is all about ways to achieve pregnancy. They can say my chance of achieving pregnancy is X% but what is my chance of actually having that pregnancy turn into a baby? The chance of my pregnancy making a family?
Realizing that no matter how close I am to pregnancy.... pregnancy is only the next step in line to actually having a baby... and then to having a family.... each goal separate... but each piece a vital part of what I look forward to when I encompass all into that first step; getting pregnant...
Am I excited to get pregnant? Absolutely! Do I fear losing the one thing I have waited so long for? Absolutely! I realized that I won't be able to breathe a sigh of relief when I finally see those two pink lines, not even when I hear your heart beat for the first time. My relief will come in slowly as I hold you for the first time, and fears will start to fade as I wake to your cry each morning. When you are here each and every day, in my arms, in my care, then I will know, I have a baby.
Being pregnant and actually having a baby are two separate things.... you can have a baby without being pregnant and be pregnant yet never have a child.....
Infertility treatment is all about ways to achieve pregnancy. They can say my chance of achieving pregnancy is X% but what is my chance of actually having that pregnancy turn into a baby? The chance of my pregnancy making a family?
Realizing that no matter how close I am to pregnancy.... pregnancy is only the next step in line to actually having a baby... and then to having a family.... each goal separate... but each piece a vital part of what I look forward to when I encompass all into that first step; getting pregnant...
Am I excited to get pregnant? Absolutely! Do I fear losing the one thing I have waited so long for? Absolutely! I realized that I won't be able to breathe a sigh of relief when I finally see those two pink lines, not even when I hear your heart beat for the first time. My relief will come in slowly as I hold you for the first time, and fears will start to fade as I wake to your cry each morning. When you are here each and every day, in my arms, in my care, then I will know, I have a baby.
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