The Struggle Is Part Of The Story

I was reading an article the other day about a baby born after infertility needing it's own term. That a baby born after a miscarriage or infant loss is a rainbow baby and a baby born before a miscarriage is a sun baby. They also mention the term for babies born asleep, Angel babies. The article said that babies who are conceived after infertility don't have their own term and there needs to be one. So this got me thinking, I had always thought a baby born in the midst of infertility was a rainbow baby?  So I began to ponder, By definition a rainbow is the beauty after the storm. I read this and I thought my struggle is a storm.... It's scary, and dark. It leaves me feeling hopeless at times. My dreams get blown off in the wind. Why wouldn't my baby be a rainbow baby?  After awhile I realized, it doesn't matter what I label my baby. It can be a rainbow baby after my own storm. It can be my warrior baby after a fight I never gave up to be a mother. A little on...

My husband and I just started at a new fertility clinic. We are very excited to start at a clinic that has more options for us; however we remain hesitant to think they have a solution for us. We are already so far into our journey that to start over with handshakes and "how are you" seems like many steps backwards. At our first appointments we we're each given a  "welcome" folder. You know, kind of like when you start a new club and they show you all the fun stuff you are going to do for the year all stuffed into one glorious folder. Our folders, although empty now, will be filled with our own journey.  A whole folder telling our story. Our own procedures that we will undergo, and all of our own tests. After only one month our folders start to fill up. Sheets of test results. Sheets of medication. Sheets providing information of upcoming procedures. Sheets of past procedure results. Physically, the folder feels light, it seems to have a lot of space left in it...

People who have not experienced infertility treatment may think it is so nice to have a planned pregnancy on a schedule. I have heard comments like Wow, how convenient is it that you don't have to do the work of sex and you can actually schedule the day of conception. From the outside looking in, I can see how it might present that way. The idea that its a controlled process, on a specific date with extra help from medical professionals, but convenience and schedules are the last words I would use to describe my infertility treatment. Setting aside the cost of infertility treatment, the treatment itself is, in my opinion, inconvenient. It is solely based on how much I want it so I make it work. I take medication that alters my body, my feelings, my emotions and my thinking. Though this medication lasts only one week, the effects for me are felt about 3 weeks. I follow that with days of tests until one day I get a smiley face and have the privilege of being inseminated the next day...

The past three years of infertility, I have longed for one thing.... getting pregnant. The closer to achieving pregnancy, the more fears I have about it. Not getting pregnant means I have never had a miscarriage. I have never experienced a still born. I haven't woke in the middle of the night to find my baby a victim of SIDS. After many late night thoughts, I have come to realize getting pregnant doesn't give me a baby.... it doesn't guarantee me the family I always wanted.... Being pregnant and actually having a baby are two separate things.... you can have a baby without being pregnant and be pregnant yet never have a child..... Infertility treatment is all about ways to achieve pregnancy. They can say my chance of achieving  pregnancy is X% but what is my chance of actually having that pregnancy turn into a baby? The chance of my pregnancy making a family?  Realizing that no matter how close I am to pregnancy.... pregnancy is only the next step in line to actually hav...

Having such a big support system is wonderful. They are my rock. The ones I lean on. The call at any time of the night or day to just listen to all my fears. They mean everything to me. However, some nights, I like to sit alone. To think alone. To process alone. To feel things I don't share with anyone. To think things that I keep to myself. With our journey getting more complicated, we are going through more testing. More tests everyone wants answers for that I don't have. Answers that I won't have. For reasons that I don't know. I can ask all the questions and still feel so confused. We keep getting failed tests with no plan on how to pass them. We sit in this gray area with no feeling of being any closer to having a baby. This gray area where we wonder what we can be doing differently to change these tests, but are being told there is nothing for us to do right now. We are failing, but we aren't failing enough for more help, for more direction and more plans. ...

Some women who struggle have no answers to their infertility. On paper they look perfect. Perfect lab tests, numbers, and perfect anatomy. They live with no medical reason to why they cannot have a baby, yet they cannot conceive.  Other women have a whole list of imperfections. Cannot ovulate, blocked tubes, or an underlying medical condition. So which story am I you ask? What got me to where I am today? My story unknowingly started when I was 16 years old. Just a regular teenager, joining the dating life. I considered myself a smart dater. I would do double dates with friends before ever going on a date alone. I thought I always had my bases covered. I didn't lie to my mom about where I was going, and my friends knew to hear from me when I left. I quickly learned no matter how safe you are, or how much you try to protect yourself from the outside world; there are people out there who will do anything and pretend to be anyone just to hurt you.  It was just another movie...

Myth #1 Time together makes a baby. Contrary to popular belief, the length of time people know each other, is not related to making a baby. That's right, you heard me, time is not relative to baby making. People everywhere think because you are with someone for a long time, babies just start popping out. Babies are not made from time. Nowhere do you see a onesie that says "made with time" or "I am the one year of marriage magic baby". Unfortunately we are not gifted children based on the time we spend together with people. Also, people think wow they were only together a few months and they already had a baby, again, babies are not made based on time. It doesn't matter how long or how short you are with someone, time is not a factor that creates a baby. Myth #2 Marriage makes a baby. Friends and family members expect babies from married people. Outsiders think wow you have been together 8 years and you are married, why don't you have any kids? Well, up...