The Struggle Is Part Of The Story

To find someone who shares my same struggle is truly a blessing. To speak the same language they already understand. To know exactly what the procedures they already endured felt like is a support that is unimaginable. To find this connection through one hardship in life creates a deep long lasting friendship from the moment you meet. I found this person. I found that someone who struggles like me. Who carries around hope in a hardship. Who sees the lighter things in life. Someone who appreciates the journey and knows we were selected to show the mountain can be moved. Though our ages are different and how we got here is not the same, we have the ability to understand each other like nobody else can.  We are able to be real with each other. To know what's on the other end of getting our hopes up. We know what it's like to feel like we are moving forward only to get set back time and time again. We can say everything by just saying nothing. We can cheer each other on even when ...

When we first started out this journey, I felt the need to share our whole story with all my friends and family. I wanted to share for support. I wasn't looking for approval, I just wanted to know that if I fell from failure, someone was there to catch me. I wanted to share to other infertiles so they know they aren't alone; we aren't alone. When you struggle with infertility, you think it affects just that, your fertility. But the reality is, it affects so much more. Infertility takes a toll on your friendships, relationships, marriage, finances, sleep and really the ins and outs of your daily life. It dictates your schedule and your sex life. It consumes your every word, thought and your whole being. Infertility takes from you living your best life, while you try to create life. Everything requires timing and plans. A six to eight week plan of life to be available at the drop of a dime to just have a chance at creating a new life. Just a chance. I personally would have ...

Some days I wish I could go back to when my dreams came true from wishing on the stars. Back to the time where seemingly anything I dreamed of could be granted by blowing out some candles, which sometimes with those trick candles was quite the task. Recently life has made it clear not all dreams are granted so easily. I unfortunately cannot just ask Santa Clause to grant my biggest wish of all, to become a mother. Unlike that wonderful Fleet Farm catalog (that was actually Santa's workshop) they don't send out build your own family deals in a catalog. I have yet to met a genie in a bottle who will pop out and grant me three wishes, if you ever do see one, please let me know!  Okay, for real though, what would life be like if we could all just wish on stars for anything we wanted? Make a wish, go to bed and in the morning it would come true...? Would it mean that each year you would earn one extra candle wish on your birthday? One extra potential dream come true? Whi...

I will never forget the day we were told that we were going to need more help creating a family. The day they gave me a physical list of things that were wrong with me, along with a list of treatments that possibly, maybe, might temporarily fix me. That day, the day I was told that my body wasn't in working order, it was hard to not feel broken. Broken as a person, as a woman. Plainly put to have everything theoretically needed to create life, but it is all failing to work properly. I am a woman but unable to do what women are made to do. It's hard to not wake up every day and look at myself in the mirror with disgust. Disgust at how my body betrayed me. But maybe being broken wasn't just a bad thing. Maybe I needed to look at the word broken from a new perspective. The lens of what happens after things are broke. Pieces that were once one thing, have fallen apart and now have the potential to become something new. Maybe I wasn't quite assembled correctly yet. Maybe I...

My hands tremble And my heart races, I just finished peeing on Sticks with smiley faces Pregnant until proven otherwise No ibuprofen or drinking, Spend the next few days Symptom spotting and over thinking Waiting turns from days To hours and minutes, I have this lovely womb Now it is time to see if you are in it Dreaming of the day To hear your heart beat, And see two little hands With two little feet Lost and uncertain With what will happen next, Will I have to start all over Or soon be holding you abreast In the end, we all know Exactly how the two week wait goes, You get a positive test or The red river flows

Sometimes people like to use the term artificial insemination interchangeably with intrauterine insemination. I find this term to be completely insensitive. The word artificial literally translates to fake or not real. I am sorry, but the insemination process is real. It's done by a real person, received by a real person, in real time, by real sperm. NOTHING about it is fake. If it wants to allude to the idea that the process by which the insemination happens is not real, then they should really rename it artificial intercourse. That translated would make more sense because I am not having sex, or reaping the benefits that sex gives, I am merely receiving sperm via a catheter. The insemination is real, not artificial. The makings behind this method versus sex is an artificial or alternate version, guy masturbates, sperm is collected, sperm is then inserted. I would love to reinvent the word to make the letter "A" stand for "assistive" insemination. Now that I c...

Mother nature says hi As father time ticks on by The glimmer in my eyes slowly fade While the hope from my heart continues to drain I have lost this battle, but yet not the war For maybe this month I can even the score With two lines to confirm, a baby I seek Who knew creating new life would be such a feat Adding mom and dad to husband and wife Would bring so much meaning into our life My words attempt optimism, my face shows pain Who knows what is next in this infertility game Meanwhile, tragedy and defeat become The only things I feel on cycle day one

When I first found out that IUI was the next stop on our journey, I did exactly what you are doing right now. I looked on the internet for posts from women who also went through this experience. I wanted to know what to expect from the procedure, the statistics of how likely it would be I would end up pregnant, an all encompassing idea of what I am about to endure. I found a couple different blogs with different experiences. Some had ultrasounds, some did not. Some took Clomid others did not. Some were shots, some were pills. I was even more lost than when I started looking and knew I wouldn't know my own journey until I started. My first IUI started with pills, Letrozole was my doctor's pill of choice. The pills are taken for 5 days. Like most medications, it came with side effects. From the first day I took it, I became very nauseous. If I walked too fast down the grocery aisle, I would become nauseous. Carried too much weight, nauseous. After two weeks of that started the...

I was reading an article the other day about a baby born after infertility needing it's own term. That a baby born after a miscarriage or infant loss is a rainbow baby and a baby born before a miscarriage is a sun baby. They also mention the term for babies born asleep, Angel babies. The article said that babies who are conceived after infertility don't have their own term and there needs to be one. So this got me thinking, I had always thought a baby born in the midst of infertility was a rainbow baby?  So I began to ponder, By definition a rainbow is the beauty after the storm. I read this and I thought my struggle is a storm.... It's scary, and dark. It leaves me feeling hopeless at times. My dreams get blown off in the wind. Why wouldn't my baby be a rainbow baby?  After awhile I realized, it doesn't matter what I label my baby. It can be a rainbow baby after my own storm. It can be my warrior baby after a fight I never gave up to be a mother. A little on...

My husband and I just started at a new fertility clinic. We are very excited to start at a clinic that has more options for us; however we remain hesitant to think they have a solution for us. We are already so far into our journey that to start over with handshakes and "how are you" seems like many steps backwards. At our first appointments we we're each given a  "welcome" folder. You know, kind of like when you start a new club and they show you all the fun stuff you are going to do for the year all stuffed into one glorious folder. Our folders, although empty now, will be filled with our own journey.  A whole folder telling our story. Our own procedures that we will undergo, and all of our own tests. After only one month our folders start to fill up. Sheets of test results. Sheets of medication. Sheets providing information of upcoming procedures. Sheets of past procedure results. Physically, the folder feels light, it seems to have a lot of space left in it...

People who have not experienced infertility treatment may think it is so nice to have a planned pregnancy on a schedule. I have heard comments like Wow, how convenient is it that you don't have to do the work of sex and you can actually schedule the day of conception. From the outside looking in, I can see how it might present that way. The idea that its a controlled process, on a specific date with extra help from medical professionals, but convenience and schedules are the last words I would use to describe my infertility treatment. Setting aside the cost of infertility treatment, the treatment itself is, in my opinion, inconvenient. It is solely based on how much I want it so I make it work. I take medication that alters my body, my feelings, my emotions and my thinking. Though this medication lasts only one week, the effects for me are felt about 3 weeks. I follow that with days of tests until one day I get a smiley face and have the privilege of being inseminated the next day...

The past three years of infertility, I have longed for one thing.... getting pregnant. The closer to achieving pregnancy, the more fears I have about it. Not getting pregnant means I have never had a miscarriage. I have never experienced a still born. I haven't woke in the middle of the night to find my baby a victim of SIDS. After many late night thoughts, I have come to realize getting pregnant doesn't give me a baby.... it doesn't guarantee me the family I always wanted.... Being pregnant and actually having a baby are two separate things.... you can have a baby without being pregnant and be pregnant yet never have a child..... Infertility treatment is all about ways to achieve pregnancy. They can say my chance of achieving  pregnancy is X% but what is my chance of actually having that pregnancy turn into a baby? The chance of my pregnancy making a family?  Realizing that no matter how close I am to pregnancy.... pregnancy is only the next step in line to actually hav...

Having such a big support system is wonderful. They are my rock. The ones I lean on. The call at any time of the night or day to just listen to all my fears. They mean everything to me. However, some nights, I like to sit alone. To think alone. To process alone. To feel things I don't share with anyone. To think things that I keep to myself. With our journey getting more complicated, we are going through more testing. More tests everyone wants answers for that I don't have. Answers that I won't have. For reasons that I don't know. I can ask all the questions and still feel so confused. We keep getting failed tests with no plan on how to pass them. We sit in this gray area with no feeling of being any closer to having a baby. This gray area where we wonder what we can be doing differently to change these tests, but are being told there is nothing for us to do right now. We are failing, but we aren't failing enough for more help, for more direction and more plans. ...

Some women who struggle have no answers to their infertility. On paper they look perfect. Perfect lab tests, numbers, and perfect anatomy. They live with no medical reason to why they cannot have a baby, yet they cannot conceive.  Other women have a whole list of imperfections. Cannot ovulate, blocked tubes, or an underlying medical condition. So which story am I you ask? What got me to where I am today? My story unknowingly started when I was 16 years old. Just a regular teenager, joining the dating life. I considered myself a smart dater. I would do double dates with friends before ever going on a date alone. I thought I always had my bases covered. I didn't lie to my mom about where I was going, and my friends knew to hear from me when I left. I quickly learned no matter how safe you are, or how much you try to protect yourself from the outside world; there are people out there who will do anything and pretend to be anyone just to hurt you.  It was just another movie...

Myth #1 Time together makes a baby. Contrary to popular belief, the length of time people know each other, is not related to making a baby. That's right, you heard me, time is not relative to baby making. People everywhere think because you are with someone for a long time, babies just start popping out. Babies are not made from time. Nowhere do you see a onesie that says "made with time" or "I am the one year of marriage magic baby". Unfortunately we are not gifted children based on the time we spend together with people. Also, people think wow they were only together a few months and they already had a baby, again, babies are not made based on time. It doesn't matter how long or how short you are with someone, time is not a factor that creates a baby. Myth #2 Marriage makes a baby. Friends and family members expect babies from married people. Outsiders think wow you have been together 8 years and you are married, why don't you have any kids? Well, up...

Late nights are a dangerous time for me. I let my mind run wild analyzing my day, my life. I think, over think, rethink everything my life has become. I have given everything to my infertility battle. In the beginning I tried the little Pinterest hacks. Every day for three months I ate pineapple because I was told it would make my uterus look more appealing for the egg to implant. I did fertility yoga. I tried the fertility massage. I drank fertility smoothies. Fail. As time went on I thought I better look further into this baby making process. I bought medical devices proven to get other women pregnant. I had surgery. I tracked my temperature, my cycle, my mucous, and month after month failed each attempt. Becoming more discouraged with each failure I broke down. Days of crying turned into weeks. Months went by and I layed on wet pillows until I fell asleep. We sold our house because I couldn't continue to come home to empty rooms I cannot fill. I packed up the perfect nursery ...

The dreaded "are you trying" question. Everyone asks it. Everyone wonders. Do they honestly know the baggage that comes with that question? If they did, I am sure they would never ask. Do they want to know how many days a month you test ovulation and how they all come back negative? Do they want to see your temperature charts for the past six months that have no clear rise or drop in them? Do they just want a simple "yes, we are" while your crumble inside knowing you have tried everything you have ever read and still fail. Maybe you say no, because you are so far into trying you have hit the end and want to give it all up. I know I have been there. I have hit that point. The point that you stop all ovulation tests, you stop taking your temperature every morning, you try to stop seeing the dates on the calendar. You say you aren't trying anymore. You say you'll just wait and see if it'll happen because well now you are relaxed and you aren't "tr...

This is for all the women out there who are struggling each and every day with infertility or loss. The women who feel like no matter where they go or where they look someone is pregnant! The women who see people having babies who do not take care of them. The women who feel like life just is not fair! I know exactly how you are feeling, you try, try and try again with no luck while other women can just get pregnant from a guy glancing at them. (Not literally but that is how it feels) You feel like you must have done something horrible in life to be put through this pain of trying with no success. You wonder, "what did I do wrong to deserve a life like this" or "why don't I deserve a baby too?" Believe me, I know these feelings all too well. The pregnancy announcements made me cry. The pregnant women in line at the store made me angry. The stories on the news with babies dying from being left in a car just fueled my anger more and more! Why do these women g...

Even though I have not experienced a failed pregnancy, does not mean I have not experienced loss. Infertility loss encompasses so much more than one thinks, or can ever imagine. Have you lost something or someone every month for a year? Twelve losses a year; yet still wake up each day, put on a smile for the world because that is what they expect. I have always dreamed of becoming a mother. I can imagine myself sitting in a rocking chair, holding my growing belly while my miracle flutters inside. I see myself staring around at the finished nursery set for my bundle of joy. I rock and enjoy the silence before my bundle arrives knowing life couldn't be more perfect; but each month that doesn't happen, I experience loss. The loss of the dream to become a mother. The loss of making my husband a father. As the months drag on and that very dream becomes further away, I experience loss. The loss of hope it can ever happen. The sparkle of hope that this dream could ever bec...

Infertility is a constant battle. You want to tell yourself I can do this, I can be strong; while at the same time you are staring at only one pink line. You want to be excited when you wake up nauseous one morning; only to find it was just bad take out from the night before. Your heart never wants to lose hope while your mind tells you don't give false hope. Month by month the red river flows reminding you of your failure and your loss. While some celebrate in this great gift of mother nature, we crumble at the thought of lost motherhood. I have been on this rollercoaster for 3 years. What you need to remember is you never see a rollercoaster with only one seat. There is always someone beside you. There are cars full of people behind you. All these people who ride the same ride. Strap in and hold on tight. It is time to take the ride of your life to the greatest adventure of your life; motherhood. Stay strong.